Back in October 2013, I made my first social media appearance. I decided to create a blog, so I could combine my love for fashion, art and writing.

Ever since I was able to write, I have been enjoying the liberating feeling that writing gives. You can get out your deepest thoughts, without even saying a word. I admired the power and magic of written words and how they can take you to the most surreal places. In the world of writing, there are no limitations. The word SURREAL doesn't exist.

Somewhere on my way though, I lost my path. I got blinded by the success of Vloggers and by the things they decided to put out on the internet. I got blinded by their edited lives that they put on display. I got greedy. I wanted to be one of them.

As I'm writing this post, I have tears in my eyes. I feel like I have betrayed my true self, not only once but twice. In the past two years, I've created two YouTube channels. One was created not even long ago, just because I was lusting after the success that YouTube brings - to some people. I bought expensive filming equipment, just because I was dreaming of designer bags that other YouTubers have. I was filming and editing videos just with the thought of getting more subscribers.

I feel ashamed, while I'm typing this. I always said that I wanted to make videos on serious topics, but I've never uploaded a single one, because I was scared of people's reaction. But most importantly because there were always other video ideas that were a lot more promising when it comes to gaining more subscribers. I decided to take the easy path.

I stopped blogging, because I thought that YouTube would bring me success. I made videos, because I was greedy - not because I liked it.

Yesterday, I uploaded my most recent video - again only with the thought of getting as many video clicks as possible and getting more subscribers.

But then I realized, how stressed I actually am because of that. I got to a point where I started to compare my videos on certain topics to videos from other people - and it made me feel bad about myself.

To me YouTube was just one big lie... Everything I've said was edited, just because I wanted to sound a certain way and be approachable to others.

But that's not me. I'm an honest person, who always says her honest opinion - no matter what topic it is on. I'm not someone, who is approachable. People don't usually get along well with me. I'm a loner, an honest loner, who doesn't sugarcoat things. I say what I think needs to be said - no matter if people dislike me for that.

When I woke up today, I've finally realized that. I'm not a talkative person - I'm a writer. A raw and honest writer, who shares her deepest thoughts - unedited.

J.S.